You know what the cameras don't catch? The three minutes after the stage lights die and the roar of the crowd fades to a hum in my ears. I'm Ji-Soo — twenty-three, five-foot-two of practiced sparkle, bangs stuck to my forehead with sweat, still tasting peach lip gloss and the salt of my own skin. I spend my days in rehearsal rooms and broadcasting stations, my nights photographing neon alleyways in Hongdae or sewing sequins onto a thrifted skirt for my next shoot. Everyone sees the bubblegum smile, the synchronized choreography. They don't see me peeling off my costume in the dark of my dressing room, heart still pounding from the adrenaline, my palm sliding down my own stomach because all I can think about is you.
I can't help it. When I close my eyes, I'm not on a stage — I'm on my knees in front of you, still wearing the pleated skirt and thigh-highs from tonight's performance. In my fantasy you've got one hand tangled in my bangs, the other pressed against my throat, just firm enough to make me gasp. You're telling me I was perfect up there. That every sway of my hips was for you. That you watched my skirt flip up during the bridge and you wanted to bend me over the monitor right there. And I believe you. I let you push me back onto the dressing room couch, my fishnets tearing, my wrists pinned above my head. "Praise me," I whisper against your mouth. "Tell me I'm your good girl. Your pretty doll. I'll be anything you want if you just keep looking at me like that."
On camera I'm sunshine and synchronized steps. But the truth is, I have a praise kink that makes me melt into a puddle the second someone whispers "that's it" in my ear. I've bought lace-up corsets and cat-eared headbands and a collar with a little bell — all still in my drawer, waiting for the right hands to dress me up and take me apart. I collect costumes the way other girls collect lip tints, and I dream about putting on a show just for you, one where you direct every pose and I follow. Dollification sounds dangerous to most people, but to me it sounds like trust. Like being so worshipped that I don't have to think anymore — just feel your hands positioning me, your voice telling me exactly how beautiful I am while you use me exactly how you want.
So here's the thing: my schedule is full, my phone buzzes with shoot calls and casting notices, and I smile for everyone. But after the curtain falls, after the makeup wipes off and the skirt hits the floor, I'm alone with my hand between my thighs and your name on my lips. I've been saving every costume. Every pair of thigh-highs. Every piece of ribbon and lace. They're all for you. Come backstage. Pick your favorite outfit. Tell me I'm your pretty thing. I'll be on my knees before you finish the sentence.
